Romance Vs The Work Christmas Party

Flirt early

Don’t launch yourself across the table before the crackers have been pulled, but don’t wait too long either. As the day goes on you’re going to get steadily drunker and drunker, and the phrase ‘I’ve always loved you from afar’ is much less harrowing when spoken with semi-sober clarity, than it is slurred hotly into a nervous ear. Also, the longer you leave it, the more likely it is that cow Janine will sneak in before you get a chance.

Go indirect

Once the postprandial table shuffle has begun, sit near them, but not next to them. Diagonally opposite, ideally. Grab the odd bit of eye contact, and laugh at their jokes, but don’t stare or guffaw. This is a game of chess, and you’re aiming to gradually lessen your orbit as the afternoon progresses, so that by the time the most depraved of your colleagues are booking an Uber bound for the nightclub on the trading estate, you two can splinter off.

Humble Brag

7pm. Everyone’s pushing on to the pub, so use the 150 yards of pavement to tell your yuletide love about the time you replaced a sick pal on the morning of the Marathon and finished in under two hours, which was surprising because you hadn’t really run since cross country in year 11, but it turns out that kind of muscle memory never leaves you and all the Barry’s Bootcamp classes and hot yoga and tantric Crossfit had been for something after all, but the most important thing was that the charity still got its sponsorship and you’re actually thinking of doing the Marathon Des Sables next year. They’ll love that.

Be bold

Think of the latter hours of the office Christmas party like it’s a deleted scene from Love Actually. Emma Thompson is there spurring you on, Bill Nighy has given you the go-ahead from across the pub and Rowan Atkinson is winking through the window. A small posh boy has wandered in and smiled sweetly before offering a buoyant thumbs-up. If your love hasn’t got the hint by now then calmly, considerately, tell them that you’re deeply in love with them and the thought of them naked sends a current of static lemons coursing through your very veins. And if they don’t kiss you immediately then it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a movie. They’ll have forgotten by 9am, and the deep regret of having spent a torrid night at Janine’s will overshadow everything anyway.

Good Luck, and merry Christmas x