Heart Dissection

Dating On Your Device: Applications Open

BURO.'s resident dating columnist Charlie Teasdale navigates the discombobulating world of dating apps

Charlie Teasdale | 04.02.2020

Share the story
Link copied

charlie teasdale

BURO. dating guru


BURO. DATING GURU

So, it turns out that some dating apps might have been harvesting your information and selling it to third parties. They lulled you into a false sense of security, promised you love, sex, happiness and someone to send cat memes to. You’ll keep using them, though. How else are you supposed to meet someone? In real life?! Pshhh. But are you using the right one? Consult the following guide to be sure.

Tinder

over 50million users

Tagline: Match. Chat. Date.

Alternative Tagline: Match. Chat. Date. Drink on a Monday.

USP: Meet inoffensive, healthy people that aren’t much into anything, especially. No passions, no hobbies, no left-field opinions. Just humans that watch Avengers movies and drink Prosecco.

How to get a date: Be on the app, don’t mention Friedrich Nietzsche.

Who you’ll meet: The general populous. The silent majority. The one, the many.

Perfect profile picture: Amongst a large group of friends, in a place, on Earth.

Opening line: “Live? Laugh? Love?”

Bumble

22million users

Tagline: Date, Meet, Network Better.

Alternative Tagline: Most men are trash, test them early.

USP: When a woman matches with a member of the opposite sex it’s down to her to make the first move, but the match will expire in 24 hours. Good for high flyers who don’t have time to beat around the goddam bush. Also good for finding men who are guaranteed to reply to all future texts within a day.

How to get a date: Inform the object of your desire that their time has come.

Who you’ll meet: Guys who claim to be in touch with their feminine side. “I bloody love a manicure, lol.”

Perfect profile picture: One that demonstrates your independence, but also your affability. And your wit. And your ambition. And your excellent hair.

Opening line: “You’ve got 50 characters. Thrill me.”

Happn

50million users

Tagline: Find the people you’ve crossed paths with.

Alternative Tagline: When they’ve gone far, you go near.

USP: You match with people with whom you’ve crossed literal paths. Like meeting them on the street, but with none of the creepiness and humiliation. Imagine La La Land. But instead of bumping in to each other in an LA jazz club, it’s Cafe Nero or ASDA or a regional leisure centre.

How to get a date: Just wander about, I guess.

Who you’ll meet: That guy on the train with the chin dimple and the oaken forearms. Or, The guy that’s always outside Londis with a toad on a lead. Love is a gamble.

Perfect Profile Picture: You, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs down the high street; they’ll bloody love that.

Opening line: “What a handsome toad you have!”

"don’t trust all the boys with puppies in their pictures. That’s not his puppy. (It might not even be him.)"

Inner Circle

1.5million users

Tagline: Selective Dating.

Alternative Tagline: Put the ‘us’ in ‘business’.

The USP: Liaise with fellow masters of the universe and schedule a blue-sky thinking session. In this exercise, you are both the client. Decide on your deliverables, your non-negotiables and your KPIs. If prudent, initiate merger.

How to get a date: PHD helpful, Masters essential.

Who you’ll meet: The cream of this year’s 30 under 30.

Perfect Profile Picture: Shaking hands with Bezos.

Opening line: “Sell me this pen.”

ADVERTISEMENT. CONTINUE READING BELOW

Hinge

5.5million members

Tagline: Designed to be Deleted.

Alternative tagline: Your new overlord.

USP: The best one, basically. Not too many creeps (some, obviously – they’re bloody everywhere) and enough information and pictures to allow you to imagine an entire life with someone, but not so much that you’re disappointed when it turns out they eat 14 eggs a day.

How to get a date: You’ll get one no probs. Just don’t trust all the boys with puppies in their pictures. That’s not his puppy. (It might not even be him.)

Who you’ll meet: A friend of someone you know. OMG how weird!

Perfect profile picture: Just you being your terdally kewl self. No puppies.

Opening line: “I’m going to Whole Foods, do you need anything?”

Guardian Soulmates

15,000 new members each month

Tagline: Fall in love with dating.

Alternative Tagline: Find someone to share your Barbican membership with.

USP: Of all the newspapers, The Guardian’s matchmaking service is probably chillest. Lots of nice people who have New Yorker tote bags and intolerances to dairy and almost definitely didn’t vote for Brexit. They might live off-grid, which could be… fun?

How to get a date: Make sure people know when your canal boat is passing through town.

Who you’ll meet: George Monbiot, hopefully.

Perfect Profile Picture: Wearing Veja trainers; outside a polling station.

Opening line: “Namaste.”

Muddy Matches

200K members

Tagline: Online dating for countryside lovers.

Alternative Tagline: All the above, but rural.

The USP: Meet bucolic, outdoorsy singles and lonely shepherds who like a ramble, a roll in the hay, and view the M25 as the boundary wall of a dystopic hellscape where no soul should venture.

How to get a date: Describe your love of acorns, your knack for milking, your distrust of wind turbines and your ability to carry a ewe under each arm.

Perfect Profile Picture: You at one of those ‘straightforward shooting weekends’.

Who you’ll meet: Barnaby. Also known as Bongo, Muffy or the Third Earl of Carmarthen.

Opening line: “Will you be the Farmer Oak to my Bathsheba Everdene?”

Raya

Over 10,000 reportedly (many more on the waiting list)

Tagline: N/A

Alternative Tagline: Date a celebrity.

The USP: Being an exclusive, approval-only deal, Raya is the sanctuary of the beautiful and the famous. From what I’ve been told, everyone is super fit and you get proper A-listers. Sharon Stone, Joe Jonas, Alexander Wang, John Cusack (allegedly) and loads of Premier League footballers (definitely). I was denied membership* so I wouldn’t know, but if dating apps were Hunger Games worlds this would be the one with all the beautiful people that don’t know what tools are.

How to get a date: Be a former Love Island contestant.

Who you’ll meet: A handsome but troubled Californian music producer.

Perfect Profile Picture: Your best ever. Maybe get some headshots done.

Opening line: “Did I see you at White City House last week?”

*App didn’t work on my phone, actually, so the joke’s on them.

​ ​
Share the story
Link copied
Explore more
SUBSCRIBE TO BE MORE BURO.