HOW TO STAYCATION WITHOUT PISSING OFF THE LOCALS

WALKING

It is an unassailable fact that when ensconced in bucolic landscapes, Londoners will attempt some kind of walk. It doesn’t matter whether we're prepped, interested or able, the birdsong, solitude and silage prove all too irresistible. To avoid turning your phone 90 degrees every kilometre, plan a route before, preferably on a map. Now, while social convention in cities is to keep shtum with strangers, greetings in the great outdoors are encouraged. When you see walkers on the approach, take nice astute strides, make eye contact and issue a non-smug, octave-appropriate “hi,” “hello,” “morning,” or “afternoon”.

HIGH STREET ETIQUETTE

It’s fun to gawp at the windows of estate agents in the city, let alone somewhere where you might actually be able to afford some bricks. But that doesn’t mean you should. Locals are fed up of hearing the vexingly predictable refrain of: “OMG look what you can get for £500k”. Ignore the siren song, and instead, move swiftly and silently along. To the antiques shop, which no, you should not descend on as a group of six, or worse ten. Items are precariously perched; such spaces can not withstand the pretend-careful shuffling of a group who had one too many bottles of rosé at lunch. Groups of two and whispers will do.

THE AIRS AND GRACES OF Airbnb

The owner might not mind that you're an overexcitable gaggle, because there's this thing that butters them up called cash. Neighbours though, well... They're understandably not keen on the whole second-home, hollowing out communities thing, so chances are they're harbouring resentment for your host. And they're probably looking for a reason to complain. You know like, if you blocked their parking space with a Pizzarova (a Land Rover that serves sourdough, naturally), or if you leave a mountainous pile of overspill rubbish out... on the wrong day. Be observant and respectful. Is cigarette smoke wafting into their garden? What's the decibel level of shrieks outside? And the thudding reverberations of the bass line inside?

PHOTOGRAPHY

Think of your staycation location as you do, say, Soho House. Cameras, as a rule of thumb, are banned. If you must take a photo, be discreet. Behind the doors of your Airbnb? Sure. Go full Influencers In The Wild if that’s your bag. But out and about, draping yourself over styles in fields, while seasoned dog walkers try to make haste is inappropriate and annoying. The spectre of a ginormous group doing ‘silly poses’ on bridges in Cotswolds villages only feeds into the local view that we're abundantly steeped in self-confidence. No no, that's not a good thing.