Kylie Jenner, has just sold a 51% stake of her business Kylie Cosmetics to beauty giant COTY, in a deal that Business Wire reports to be worth $600 million.
1. Any swatches of Kylie Cosmetics eyeshadows are to be accompanied by breathy purrs, and suggestive finger swipes. Acrylic nails non-negotiable.
2. A weekly Kylie Cosmetics care package must be delivered to the Australian jungle (FAO Caitlyn Jenner) via a visibly and audibly undetectable drone. Kris Jenner must have no knowledge of this.
3. Product names must not deviate from allusions to gratuitous promiscuity. Exacting examples include: 'X Rated,' and 'Hot and Bothered.'
4. Should any one of the Kardashian-Jenner sisters be betrayed by a 'friend', any products that were made in collaboration with, or named after the perpetrator, should be slashed in price within one minute of the story hitting the headlines.
5. 5% of annual profits must be donated to the Dermal Filler Removal Network.
6. Only music produced or written by Kayne West is to be featured on Kylie Cosmetics advertising. Alternative artists permissible, if dictated by Kylie’s personal dalliances.
ii) Models or talent in any shot overlaid with Kanye’s music must be wearing a pair of Yeezy Boost 750s.
7. No pictures of Kylie where she looks like anyone but Kylie (pre 2008) are to be used in any promotional material.
8. Upon providing proof of leaving a five-star Ulta review for any Kylie Cosmetics product, COTY staff are entitled to a free Kardashian-approved box of salad the size of a small car.
9. Any legal matters are to be dealt with by Kim Kardashian West, and all footage of Kim looking pensively at a laptop screen, with several heavy textbooks around her, must be widely promoted.
10. Kylie is not under any obligation to promote Kylie Cosmetics, a brand which she now holds a minority stake in, on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, unless executive producer Kris Jenner, brokers a multimillion dollar deal otherwise.
11. All COTY staff working with Kylie Cosmetics are liable to realising stuff. Period.
* Not strictly true
** Probably true but don’t quote us on it
*** Categorically not true
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