Coolsculpting, which involves freezing paddles attached to a hoover-like machine to crystalize and ultimately, eliminate fat cells by metabolising and excreting them into the body’s lymphatic system.
I whipped off my kit, and mourned my metabolism in the mirror at Dr Galyna’s Selezneva’s Knightsbridge practice. She sharpie-markered my tummy with crosses to identify my ‘problem area’ (misleading to suggest there is but one). Then laid on a bed, a piece of gauze soaked in numbing gel was applied, before a vacuum paddle was attached. It was fine. A bit sucky and squelchy, but fine. Then f*ck, it was freeeeeezing. Left in a dark room (optional) - albeit swaddled in a blanket and supplied with sugary tea - I contemplated wrangling it off and discharging myself. But ah, it quickly subsided, and I watched an hour-long episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians (appropriate - they've all had it), intermittently dozing off.
As the paddle was prized off - deep breath - my surplus insulation stood atop my stomach in a two inch high rectangular block. In a bid to thaw it (and 'pop' the fat cells), the assistant massaged the appendage around my tummy as if it were cold butter in a hot pan. I squealed, I queased, I heaved, all while Dr Galyna held my hand and kept my gaze above board. Ah, a real life, Christmas feast-enabling angel.
Bar initial numbness, there was no downtime. No big reveal. No Susannah Constantine extolling the femininity of your svelte physique, while you stand laboured in the mirror. Instead, a gradual lessening of the offending area - up to 25%, apparently. Results were most noticeable after six weeks, at which point: "Ooh, it works" I said, standing laboured in the mirror, extolling the femininity of my svelte physique. Best of all, whatever cells Coolsculpting gets rid of are gone for good, so despite slight in situ queasiness, I’d do it again in an instant. Where next? Inner thighs? Arms? Love handles? Anywhere goes thanks to the CoolAdvantage Petite applicator.
The before-and-after pictures spoke (inverted) volumes. And so, off I skipped to Harrods to inhale a buttery mince pie. That's the point, right?
From £850 per area.
Dr Galyna Selezneva
Rita Rakus Clinic,
34 Hans Road SW3